The Ballad Of Shep and Tam

“What are you reading?”  Tam asked.

Shep ignored him.

“What are you reading?”  Tam asked again.

Shep ignored him.

“Well..?”  Tam paused. “What are you reading?”

Shep looked up at Tam.  Stared long enough to convey his annoyance and returned to his book.

Tam stared at Shep reading for a while. 

“What are you reading?” Tam asked.

“Will you leave me alone??”  Shep screamed, exasperated.

Tam smiled. “Never heard of it.  Who wrote it?” He asked, prodding the nerve.

“OK.  I’ll tell you.”

“Excellent!”

“It’s called ‘Fifty Shades Of Why Don’t You Fuck Off’”  Shep returned to his book.

“Never heard of it.  Who wrote it?”  Tam asked, trying to hold back a laugh.

“AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”  Shep screamed, closing the book.

“Is there a reason you are annoying me?”

Tam smiled again and got ready for the reaction.

“Yes.  We’re partners today.”

Shep groaned loudly and forcefully to make sure Tam knew he was not at all happy about this.

“Why?”  Shep said.  “Why? Why? Why?…what did I do to deserve this?  What did I do to deserve you?” 

Tam’s cheerful expression was designed to please himself and annoy Shep, like a smile on a thief’s face as he pockets your wallet.

“Just lucky I suppose.  Some people win lotteries, some people get me.  Who can say who the real winner is?”

“Shut up Tam.”

“Yoh kay doh kay.”  Tam said patting himself, looking for something.  He took a sheet of paper from his pocket and handed it to Shep.

“You’ll be happy.  We only have one today.”

“Well thank fuck for that.”  Shep said snatching the paper. “Ah crap.  It’s on Earth.”

“You really are a joy to be with you know that Shep?”

Shep ignored the insult and stood up.

“A pure joy. You’re a gem of a partner.  I have had such assholes before.”  Tam continued.  “But I must say that this has been the best conversation I’ve had in years.  I’m so privileged.”

“Shut up”  Shep said automatically.

“And we’ve only just started.  I think I may actually be luckier than you.”

Shep groaned again. 

“Come on Shep.  Cheer up.  It’ll be just like the old days remember.  All those long days, and longer nights, causing mischief and mayhem.  Dipping and diving across the realms, picking up women, and drinking till they puked.”

Shep gave Tam a sideways stare through half closed lids.

“We’ve never worked together before Tam.  Shut up.”

“Yeah but imagine what it could have been like!”  Tam smiled and slapped Shep on the back.  “We would’ve been great!”

oOo

They landed.  Well it was more of a materialisation.  The people who were near just glanced over and glanced away again. 

“Brilliant.”  Tam said.

“What is?” 

“Them…over there, and there.”  Tam was pointing at various people and groups that had they had just appeared among.

Shep looked at them, barely masking his expression of disgust.

“What’s so brilliant about them?  They are stupid hunks of meat who think they’re in some way evolved.”

“Yeah I know, but that’s great.  I love these people for their innocence, arrogance, and levels of self delusion.”

“I hate them for it.  Fools.”

Shep was looking up and down the street.

“I mean, they saw us but they don’t seem to care.  It was just a glitch for them, like a moment of deja vu or something.  They’ll always manage to rationalise the odd, the weird, and the downright strange if it means not facing up to it.”

“Idiots.”  Shep said as if he was spitting out a bad taste.

“No.  It’s endearing.”

“Whatever.”

“So where are we supposed to be going again?”

Shep sighed. “It’s called ‘The Pigs Trotter’”

“A bar or something?”

“Yeah, or something.  I think it’s a private club or disco or whatever they’re called now.”

“And who is the mark?”  Tam asked.

Shep looked at him raising an eyebrow.

“The ‘mark’?”

“Yeah, the contact, the victim, the john.”

“What are you on about?”

“Come on, Shep, don’t tell me you didn’t watch some Earth movies before we came.”

“No.”

“No you won’t tell me or no you didn’t.”

“No I didn’t”.  Shep was reviewing the details in the paper. “Her real name is Mary but her spirit name is ‘Filth’”

“I like it.”  Tam said. 

“Odd spirit name to pick.”  Shep said.  “Although, these people don’t surprise me.”

“But it’s kinda cool.”

“Yeah, but most people pick names they think sound fantastical, like ‘Astro’ or ‘Essence’.”

“So?”  Tam said. 

“So, a name like ‘Filth’ is just unusual.”

“Maybe I suppose.” 

Shep started walking.

“How will we know her?  What did it say?”  Tam said. 

“Huh?”  Shep turned back towards Tam, who was pointing at the sheet.

“How will we know who Filty Mary is?  Will she be tall? Small? In uniform?  Will she be wearing a wetsuit?”

Shep was only just about managing to contain his anger. 

“A fuckin wetsuit?  Why would she be wearing a wetsuit?”

Tam smirked at how easy Shep was to annoy.

“Who knows?  She may be into kinky stuff.  Or surfing!”

Shep turned and started to walk away again.

“Surfing is probably more likely though.”  Tam said to himself, but loud enough.

Shep threw the paper over his shoulder at Tam.  “Go have a read for yourself.”

“Yoh kay doh kay.” Tam said.

“And if you say that one more time I’ll impale you.” Shep threw that over his shoulder too.

“Yoh kay-”

Shep stopped but didn’t turn around.

Tam finally failed in holding back his laugh.

oOo

Walking up to the locked door the place looked closed.  Faint muffled sounds and a dull rhythmic beat belied the appearance. 

“Look, the metal door has a slot.  I’ll get us in.”  Tam said.

“How?”  Shep asked.

“Watch.”  Tam strutted towards the door.  His over exaggerated swagger was designed to annoy Shep as much as possible.

After two knocks the slot drew back with a squeak.

“What.”  The pair of eyes said.  It wasn’t so much a question as a grunted full stop.

“We’re here. Let us in.”  Tam said, turning to smile at Shep.

The eyes scanned the two.  Tam met the stare.

“We’re here to see Dave.” 

The slot closed and the sounds of unlocking could be heard.

Shep raised his eyebrows questioningly.

“There’s always a Dave.” Mouthed Tam.

They made their way through the main throng before reaching a quiet room.

“You know…I amaze myself sometimes with my own greatness.”  Tam said as Shep drew alongside him.

Shep gave him a withered stare and moved ahead.

“So where will she be?”  Shep asked.

“In bar number 2.  The one with the best strippers.”  Tam said.

“What?”

“Bar 2.  The Pigs Trotters.  Best Strippers.”

“What are you on about?”  Shep said stopping.

“Everyone knows that.”  Tam said, “It’s on the slutty slate in the dark toilet on floor 3.  Best place to get tips on sleaze.  I would have thought you’d know all about it.”

Tam was elbowing Shep in the ribs.  His exaggerated winking included an odd mouth contortion for effect.

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re very annoying?”  Shep said.

“Em..no actually” Tam said pausing “but a lot of people ask me that.”   

“There she is.”

Mary was dancing on one of the raised platforms.  She was wearing a very revealing outfit that suggested a lot to the imagination. 

“You want to do it or me?”  Tam said.

“Don’t care.”

“OK. I’ll do it.”

Tam walked up to Mary.  She glanced at him in a glazed way but returned to look again as recognition settled on her features.

“Tam!  What are you doing here?”  Mary said, not really expecting an answer.

Shep looked at them, his confusion evident.

“Have you got another job for me?”  Mary said, looking over Tam’s shoulder at Shep.

“Yes.  You know the deal.  Simple clean up job.”  Tam said.

“Yes. No problem.  What’s he done?”  Mary asked.

“Apart from pissing off everyone he works with, he’s been pissing off the bosses too.” 

“OK.  Leave him here.  I’ll send the bill.”

Tam walked back to Shep and shot him in the face.  He was dead before he hit the floor.  Tam stared at the body as the pool of blood grew around his head like a halo.

“You ever think about having kids Mary?”  Tam asked, still staring at Shep.

“Nah, don’t think I could handle them.  Once they start to walk and talk they become a pain.  I’d end up killing them.”  Mary paused for a bit, thinking.  “What’s the word for that?”

“Infanticide.” Tam said.

“No that’s killing babies, not the older, more irritating ones.”

“Pesticide then?”

Tam turned to Mary and saw her head thrown back in laughter. 

“Good to see you again Tam.”

“Till next time.”

And Tam disappeared.